As a mom this is one post , of many, I never thought I would write as I began my parenting journey.
As parents we dream beautiful dreams for our children but such is life that it throws a few curve balls at you and just when you think you’ve weathered those storms your children discover self will and the need to make their own choices.
Whoever said parenting was easy never had kids I tell you .
A little back history
13 months ago , exactly 3 weeks after our wedding, 2 of my adult sons moved home. The house where they were boarding was not avaliable any longer and they were given a 2 day notice.
What was supposed to be a few days turned into months.
In once sense I was greatful. My one son had tried to commit suicide a few weeks prior so having him under my roof felt like the best place for him as I could keep an eye. My other son has stayed with us on and off and it was lovely to have him back home after a years absence.
But both boys were unemployed and as much as we understood we stressed the need for them to get employment and get back on their feet.
How I enabled them
At the time I’m sure I was told by my husband and daughter that I was too soft on them but I’m a mom that’s my job.
It started slowly and I began to overlook small things until months down the line these boys were spending all day sleeping or playing games.
There was an occasional job here or there but nothing stable or full time. Then my eldest got a job that he just left. Although there was a reason I don’t remember it.
By now, I was trying to recover my strength and health from a pulmenory embolism, look after my toddler, deal with inconsistent maintenance and two teenagers.
Our bills were pilling up from my medical procedures and we had gone down to a one income family of 7 as I was unable to get through the day, not to mention working on top of that.
With a household of 4 adults and all the financial responsibility falling on only one , it was time to have a real talk.
Eventually we gave each of them a deadline. This was the day they needed to be working and have moved out. We refused to take any finances from them as we wanted them to be able to get in their feet, quickly.
Again I extended these deadlines because they weren’t working, needed to save money, weren’t ready to move ….amidst many other excuses.
Each time our finances groaned, my husband (their step father), and I argued more and more and they continued as before.
Finally the younger of the two boys moved out. He finally got an amazing job and for the last 4 months has been keeping his head above water and carving his way in the world.
We gave a last deadline to his older brother who settled into a good job 3 months ago and moved out this weekend into his own place . With a family of his own he needs to start stepping up into that role.
As their mother I worry – a lot. What are they eating ? Are they Ok? Did they go to work ? And many other daily things …
But as I sat with the younger one the other day and explained to him, he doesn’t grow at home with me. If he is out there having to take care of himself he is experiencing life by growing, learning and carving his own path .
Just like the mamma bird throwing her chicks out the nest because that’s what they need so we as moms need to sometimes make the hard calls. We need to be unpopular and cruel to be kind.
You see enabling our children stunts their growth and independance. It renders them incompetent in society and as much as we think it helps, we are actually sending a silent message that our children are not good enough to achieve their own dreams nor do we trust them on their journey.
After all the best things we can give our children are roots to hold them in the storms and wings to let them fly.